From Victim to Survivor - The Healing Journey

Last week's blog: 'Don't Turn a Blind Eye to Child Sexual Abuse' generated a lot of questions and rightly so!

I've decided for this blog to focus mainly on one of the key questions I received, that is:

"I've met a few others that have been through something similar and to this day, they find it difficult to cope. Some have broken their silence and others, I suspect went through similar trauma when they were younger. How can we go about healing from this trauma and what support is out there particularly for Black men who were abused when they were younger."

Questions surrounding healing from sexual abuse trauma is vital but common. In answering this question, I'll explain why trauma healing can be so challenging, then I'll provide some of my tops tips for self-healing and where to get support. 

A victim's Initial Response to Trauma

They say when faced in traumatic circumstances, we do one of three things:

• FIGHT: Some people have the natural tendency to fight the hell out of any situation they're in. Their adrenaline kicks in and they don't stop until they're out!
• FLIGHT: Others will run away when they're terrified. They can't face the pain. They believe their only chance of survival is to escape. Their mind is set on getting out at any means necessary!
• FREEZE: Others freeze in the moment of terror - waiting for the pain to be over. They tune out. They block out. Their minds leave their bodies behind. Or in some cases - like myself - our senses get heightened but we're stuck in our bodies with no means of escape. Unable to react. All hope gone. Frozen!

Whilst the Fight or Flight response to trauma is about some hope of survival, the Freeze response is more likely to kick in when we believe  all hope is lost. Although the conscious mind has no control in the moment over whether it "fight, flight or freeze", it doesn't stop the conscious mind from feeling shocked, shamed, fault, blame, disgust or even guilt about these responses.

We feel ashamed and judge ourselves for the initial and normal response we take to an abnormal situation. And each day that goes by, that we don't say or do anything to release these thoughts and emotions, the more trapped we feel in the situation.

Experienced predators prey upon our initial responses or lack of it. They know this and will say and do things that play on these emotions to ensure our silence. They'll say things like:

"if you tell no one will believe you", "it's your fault", or "they'll be so ashamed of you they'll send you away and won't want anything to do with you".

Believing you're the only one in this situation, you remain silent! It's even more so if you're from a culture or community with huge stigma associated to abuse and don't encourage speaking out.

But you're not alone. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abuse before their 18th birthday - growing up to be adults with unresolved issues. The United Nation estimates that around 150 million girls and 73 million boys are victims of sexual abuse. That's 223 million people with similar experiences like you and me!!

It's wrong that it happened to you too. It's wrong that it can affect the rest of your life. This includes the relationship you have with yourself and other people such as your children, partner and other friends and family. It's wrong that it can stop you from living the life you've dreamed including building successful businesses or climbing the career ladder. It's just so wrong all over! 

Whilst the past maybe full of bad memories, hurt and pain, the good news is your future doesn't have the be that way. Healing from the trauma of the abuse can lead so complete freedom and happiness inside which creates a healthier platform for you to figure out and do the things that makes you happy

Healing from the trauma

It's fair to say that healing from the trauma can be a very challenging process and will not occur overnight. So we must love ourselves and be patient during the process. It helps if those around us understand this so they can can't be patient with us.

Yes - recovery can be a slow and painful journey that seems to last forever. I know for me, it definitely got worse before it got better. The fact is we've been through something really horrific so we can't rush through the healing.

Healing takes time. It's a process. One where we may take 1 step forward and 10 steps backward. This means we may cry often and have really low moods and some days it will be very difficult to cope -  that's normal! We may even develop mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Be patient with yourself. Be loving and care for yourself whilst you practise my three top tips below.

1. Find a safe space to describe and express your thoughts, feelings and emotions.

• Professional trauma counsellors are highly recommended because of the neutral space and their expertise to help us work through and understand what's going on inside and around us.

• Support groups are also great places to get help. Women or Men's support groups where people share similar experiences can help us to feel comfortable to release our pain. I find it particularly useful if I know others in the room have had similar experiences. I try to learn from them and I don't feel judged when I share any parts of my experiences. Instead I feel appreciated as we grow togather. Women are known to talk much more than men so support groups can be particularly powerful for men who have been abuse - to hear other men talking about their pain. Support groups can work really well alongside counselling. But if you're not ready for counselling or can't access it at the moment, I'd definitely recommend joining a  local support group. 

• If you can't access counselling or a support group, but you know someone you can talk to, such as a close friend or family you trust or even a stranger, it's best to talk to them as they maybe able to offer a listening hear and/or refer you to someone that can help. However it must be noted that individuals without some training or experience in the healing process of abuse may not be the best suited to give advice on what to do. They may have your best interest at heart, but with their emotions involve and lack of tools to deal with what you're telling them happened to you, they may not be able to guide you appropriately like a counsellor maybe able to. Whilst you may find it better/easier to talk to someone you know, be aware they may not be able to give you the help you need. They also may have unresolved pain which they could deflect on you. So weary of their potential "limited" help. But do consider this option if you feel it's best for you at this time.

2. Practice self-care and self-love activities

As stated above, the healing journey itself can be so traumatising in it's own way. If we're not careful, we may want to go back pretending like the abuse never happened. But we find that we can't because other people now know and some may even started to judge and treat us differently. So now we feel even worse within ourselves (if that's even possible)! Wanting to get away but can't. Our freight or flight responses may kick in over and over again as our pain keeps getting triggered. Without a way out, some people often commit suicide. My suggestion to getting around being so overwhelmed in our emotions is to practice daily self-love activities such as writing a love letter to yourself, pampering treats or spending time meditating so your thoughts can be still. Click here for more self healing tips.

3. Future Plan of Action

Create a daily plan of action that includes:

• your continued healing
• setting and enforcing boundaries with the people in your circle
• building a better life and doing things you enjoy ie setting up your own business or career development.

At first it may seem tiresome doing things so structured and focused, however we have to be open to doing things differently in order to figure out what works for us. And what works for me may not work for someone else - meditation is a good example of this!

Creating a Healthy Lifestyle 

If we're able to choose who we want in our lives, it can enable us to live in a less toxic and more supportive environment.

It's also essential to create boundaries with everyone in our lives and be willing to enforce them if these boundaries are not adhered to. Be mindful that, not because we want someone in our life, doesn't mean they want to be or that they are good for us.

Some people may say many things about us that may hurt - but it doesn't define who we are. In fact we're redefining who we are through our healing process. We can change any part of our lives that we're not happy with. But it probably won't be done overnight, so don't be dishearten, all we need is a plan that can enable us to.

To ensure our healing is sustainable, we need purpose in our lives - something to feel great about and to get us through daily challenges! Once we figure out our purpose/goals - or something of the sort - we can break it down into smaller tasks to focus on each day.  

Every day is precious. The way we start our day can have a huge impact on how we cope or thrive through the rest of the day.

I start my day each morning with a specific routine that include mediation, breathing exercises, gratitude, mindset empowerment and setting specific intentions for the day ahead. I also practice mindfulness throughout the day. Why? Because I find these tactics work for me - they help me to stay positive and empowered.  I find that by practicing these daily activities, I'm better equipped to achieving exactly what I want. My morning routine also help my mind and energy to remain focus on my commitments to myself.

Even if I get distracted, it's easier for me to get back on track. If I get tired, I'm aware of how my body responds to tiredness so I'll take it easy and have some time out.

What we do each day should feed back into our bigger picture/goals and don't forget to celebrate your wins. Achieving feels awesome - no matter how small - especially when we're being our true selves!

It's ok if you need help drafting our figuring out your 'Plan of Action'. There are many coaches and mentors that can help with prices ranging from FREE to ££££££££££ssssssssssssssssssssss I'm always here to help with what I can and if I can't, I can try to refer you to someone else that maybe able to. So feel free to drop me a message if you need help. Click here to email me.

As a female survivor, my work is best impacted on women and young girl survivors, however we have to be mindful that our men have been abused, violated and neglected too. This means they have similar scars and unresolved issues in their adult lives and deflecting their hurt and pain on the people around them. In order to #BreakTheCycle on these forms of abuse it's important we consider our men too and see what if anything we can do to support them in their journey.

Something for our men who has been abused

Who knew that men and boys are sexually abused too? Yes they are - maybe not on the same scale as women and young girls but many men in our community have unresolved issues due to child sexual abuse. Don't worry if you're surprise to hear this as I remember being so shocked when I first came upon this fact during my research.

I believe men in our community who've been abused - have additional layers of pain and trauma - affecting their identity and making it even more challenging for them to overcome their abuse.

I'm not a man so I can't explain this for definite. However, based on the recent conversations I had on my Facebook page, it seems the main difference for our men is the extreme lack of talking about their experiences, and how it's affected them. I suspect this is mainly because of what they believe about their identify 

Identity Issues without the abuse

• Considering the impact of Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome (PTSS) and the fact that most of our young men today are been brought up by their mothers in singe-parenting homes - they have little or no role model of their true identity or how to be a 'black man'. Where are the fathers? In prisons, mental institution and other places - apart from being the in home where their children are. As hard-working and determine as our women can be, they can never grow up boys to become men (especially if they (the mothers) been abused by men in their past), which maybe the case).

• Generally, our men are not taught to how to embrace emotions and express their truth. Talking is commonly seen as a "feminine thing" and although all of us were born with the masculine and feminine energy, most boys weren't brought up to embrace their feminine side.

 For example, if a little boy and a little girl fall down and hurt themselves, it's likely the little girl will get hugs and kisses from her parents to "soften the blow" of any hurt they suffered. The boy maybe told to "be quiet" or "man don't cry, man up!". This attitude demonstrates  to the boy that he's not allowed to feel or express his hurt and pain. He's taught to supress it inside and that's what makes him a man.

Identity Issues after the abuse

Combine identify issues with the additional pain from the abuse, our men completely loose themselves - with no hope of ever breaking their silence. They rely on what they've been taught to get them through the pain by supressing their emotions and not talking about it. 

Our men are not properly equipped to handle emotions, moreover the kind that comes along with trauma of abuse. The process of #BreakingTheSilence can be even more overwhelming for them, especially in a society that's dominated by the "macho" or "real" men's characteristics. I once heard two men talking to themselves saying "real men don't get raped!"  So even if our men knew how to allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to ask for help, society basically deny their pain and tell them how to feel. Whilst this part of the journey can be similar for men and women, it seems to affect men more, potentially because of their pride and ego.

Sadly though, the healing process begins after the silence is broken, so we (women) need to love, nurture and encourage our men to talk more - after all they came from and are apart of us.

Healing from the abused

Key factors for anyone overcoming abuse is to identify and master their emotions, feelings and thoughts associated to the trauma - not supress them!

So I believe the healing process is quite similar for both our men and women. 

I think therapeutic counselling and support groups are two of the best forms of healing available to our men and women who have suffered abuse or any other type of trauma. These support network have the potential of providing a safe an open space  to explore, reflect and release internal hurt and pain.

• Whilst I'm aware of many support groups for women, I think there could be more available to our men. Many of our men would definitely benefit from hearing and seeing other men - just like them - speaking out about what they've been through. I think this could help many more men #BreakTheirSilence and get the help they need. However correct safeguarding is a must as these men need to feel safe and trusting for it to work.
• Counselling is one to one and provides a more private, confidential and therapeutic space. Counsellors are also equipped with many tools that can help a victim heal through their trauma. 

Whilst men needs more support and encouragement throughout the process, tit's important that hey realise they need the support and be willing and open to receiving it.

Where to go for support

Women living in London: I run a number of healing and support services for women and young girls survivors of sexual abuse. Click here to find out more.

Support for Black men:

•  TMITM:   WWW.TMITM-PROJECT.COM
• Mankind Counselling www.mkcharity.org
• Survivors UK:  http://www.survivorsuk.org/
• RASASC: http://www.rasasc.org.uk

There are other well established organisations that can offer support to both men and women victims of sexual abuse. They include:

• MIND - https://www.mind.org.uk
• Victim Support: https://www.victimsupport.org.uk
• The Survivor's Trust: http://thesurvivorstrust.org/survivors-and-supporters/
• Help for Adult victims of Child Abuse: https://www.havoca.org/
• Aurora Foundation for People Abused in Childhood:  www.aurorafoundation.org.uk
• Haven:  www.havennetwork.org.uk
• Into The Light, London: www.intothelight.org.uk
• London Centre for Personal Safety (LCPS): www.londoncentreforpersonalsafety.org.uk
• NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood):  www.napac.org.uk
• One in Four London:  www.oneinfour.org.uk
• Respond London:  www.respond.org.uk
• Survivors Together (London):  www.survivorstogether.co.uk
• Survivors UK (London & National): www.survivorsuk.org
• Survivors of Sexual Abuse Anon (SoSAA):  www.sosaa.org.uk

Finally, don't forget to keep looking after yourself so you can help to look after others too. Check out my FREE '10 Top-Tips for Self-Care'. Click this link to access and download them now!

Until next time, your loving and peaceful SiStar✸

Tamar Nwafor | Mother | Wife | Survivor | Multiple Business Woman 

Don't Turn a Blind Eye to Child Sexual Abuse

Let's talk about Child Sexual Abuse. Why? Because most children affected won't talk about it, unless we prompt them! 

So, if we're too afraid or uncomfortable to talk about it now, we may not get another chance until it's too late!

Last week Saturday I shared My Story at the Purposefully Broken for Greatness event, organised by Heather Ashalley at the Hargrave Community Hall in North London.

I was so nervous and fearful to share initiate details of my childhood experience in front of a room full of strangers. I could here the voices in my head telling me:

"No one cares about what you've got to say";

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Don't waste people's time, just sit down and let the professionals do the job";

"People will only judge you like they did in your past";

"What if you get up to speak but the words don't come out?"

"What if your mother could here you?"  

But I'm grateful for the courage and determination inside me that didn't get put off by these negative voices but instead, drew upon Words of Affirmations to bring positivity to my mind, which enabled me to push forward in speak my truth.

I was so touched by the responses from the audience especially after my talk. I was privilege to have so many people asking me questions, making constructive comments and sharing with me their own personal and private experiences of Child Sexual abuse.

So I decided to write this blog to keep the momentum alive and continue to inspire others to Break The Silence and seek the support they need to heal and overcome these horrific trauma in their past.

Thinking about it, a combination of key moments have brought me to this point. A point where I've not only experienced physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse as a child, but I've also notice how easy it is for us to "sweep it under the carpet" and pretend like it's not happening, even when children are involved. So why is it like this?

Why aren't we doing more to address child sexual abuse? 

A few weeks ago, the BBC aired a documentary on 'R Kelly: Sex, Girls and Videotapes' scandal. I was in two minds watching the documentary: whilst I was aware of different potential agendas at play, I was also aware of my own internal resistance to think of R Kelly as a paedophile, or similar to any of my 4 childhood perpetrators.

Although I don't know R Kelly personally, I knew of him to be an amazing, powerful and wealthy music producer and singer /song writer. I thoroughly enjoyed his music growing up.

I noticed that I'd defined in my mind what a 'paedophile' looks like - based on my experiences, and what I've seen in the media and around me - that definition didn't fit my reality of R Kelly! So, I rejected the allegations and blamed it all on the media. I blocked it out and pretended none of it was true. How could it be true? It's R Kelly!! 

I thought about the evidence presented in the documentary which occurred over a number of years. And it dawned on me how easily we - including myself - disregard allegations of child sex abuse, base on opposing beliefs or excuses we tell ourselves.

I've come to accept that child abusers come in all shapes and forms!

I realised I was being very selfish. I wanted to hold on to my teen memories of singing and dancing to his songs with my girls as a way of expressing our pain and joy. I thought that believing these allegations would  tarnish some of my best memories in my youth. 

But if we choose to dismiss allegations like these so easily, we're both consciously and subconsciously ignoring the voices of the victims which only continue the damaging cycle. I spoke to others about the R Kelly's allegations and found I was not alone with my initial thoughts.

So where is the community to protect our young girls - our future generation? What kind of women, mothers, sisters, aunts and friends are we grooming our girls to be? And what kind of boys will these girls produce as they grow into adulthood? (The next time we're unhappy to hear about associated issues in our community -  such as youth violence, domestic violence and broken relationships - just think about these questions!)

Is Childhood Sexual Abuse More Prominent in Our Communities than we want to Believe?

Every two seconds a child is sexually assaulted but it doesn't get reported.

One in four girls are sexually abused before they turn 18 years old.

Over 90% of child victims know their abusers. 

50% of sexual abusers are trusted family friends and 40% are family members 

About 90% of children who are victims of sexual abuse know their abusers!!!!!!! 

The younger the victim, the more likely it is that the abuser is a family member or trusted by the family. Be very aware of who you're leave your child with alone, regardless of who they are or how old they are. 

What can we do about Child Sexual Abuse?

Before we get too overwhelmed by statistics, shut down or disengaged and do nothing, let's try  to educate ourselves about the abuse. 

Let's gain the knowledge then apply it by being more equipped to combatting child sexual abuse. That way our views will be more balanced (I.e without judgement). We can also do a lot more to prevent it from happening and help to Break the Silence of potential victims needing support. 

What is Child sexual abuse?

Child Sexual Abuse is not specifically defined in UK Law, but there are some published guidance to help us address this question.

According to the NSPCC:

“A child is sexually abused when they are forced or persuaded to take part in sexual activities.

This doesn't have to be physical contact and it can happen online. Sometimes the child won't understand that what's happening to them is abuse.

They may not even understand that it's wrong. Or they may be afraid to speak out."

Government guidelines state that child sexual abuse is illegal in the UK and covers a range of sexual activities, including:

Where does Sexual abuse originated from?

I recently asked this question on Facebook and had a number of responses including:

"Frustration and cognitive defects brought on by child hood experiences in many cases"

"Insecurity"; "Control and Power"; "Toxic parents"; 

"Lack of education"; "Lack of respect for women"

 "Past trauma"; "Media";

 "Patriarchy, power imbalances, gender inequality, religious indoctrination mixed and matched with "culture"...

Whilst there are many opinions of where it comes from, my research shows me that Sexual Abuse is among the highest in the African and Caribbean Diaspora. This is because it originated from Slavery - used as a weapon to get a population of people to bend to their master's will! Severe violence and abuse against our women and girls was used as one of the many tactics to obtain involuntary obedience from our men (the provider, protector and King). Of course our men were also subjected to same/similar type of treatments too.

Since "slavery ended", there's been no mental, healing or therapeutic support for the slaves or their descendants who suffered such horrific treatments for hundreds of years. And so this kind of #LearntBehaviour became the norms. The Slaves treated each other similar to how they were treated by their masters.

Over the years we've seen the impact of 'Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome' (PTSS) as named by Dr Joy DeGruy; these inhumane behaviours and treatments have been passed down through generations in many ways including violently beating our children for them to obey out of fear as well as abusing ones power to hurt the more vulnerable (i.e. children).

Today, all over the world, both boys and girls are still victims of sexual abuse, although girls are six times more likely to be abused.

How does Child Abuse happen in our daily lives? 

• CALM: No abuse is taking place - standard day to day living. This is usually called the Calm period.
• TENSIONS BUILDING: Tension builds up, communication breaks down, child becomes fearful and tries to please the abuser.
• INCIDENT: The platform is now created for abuse to take place including emotional, physical, mental and sexual abuse.
• RECONCILLATION: The abuser apologies and/or makes excuses and make the victim believe it's their fault or they are overreacting. Once the storm calms down, it goes back to the CALM period and (if no intervention), the process is likely to start over again.

The general 'Cycle of Abuse' set out above is relevant where the abuse is committed by an older person like in our homes as well as other places our children spend their time such as schools, churches, clubs etc.  It should also be noted that children are now abusing other children too.

It's evident that whenever there are issues causing tension in a child's life, the key to understanding the problem is by increasing communication with the child. This may result in the child opening up to you about something concerning them or it could give you the opportunity to spot signs of abuse or other concerning issues.

At the very least, increasing communications with the child could build better bonds, help to resolve underlying problems and reassures you of no alarming concerns. 

From my childhood to teens years, there has been many signs to suggest something definitely wasn't right with me. But most people ignored these signs and labelled me as difficult or a 'rebel'. The first person that took a genuine interest in me - without judgement - changed my life forever. You can do the same for someone else too.

What are the signs of Child Sexual Abuse

These are just some of the possible signs of child sexual abuse. It's important to note that these signs could result from other trauma in a child's life such as emotional abuse, neglect, etc. Therefore we shouldn't jump to conclusions as that could be more damaging - instead take note and ask questions.

It's also important to note that there are other types of signs depending on the individual child such as aggressive behaviour, withdrawal from the abuser, issues at school or even direct hints and tips from the child.

Whenever there are challenging times or change in circumstances in a child's life, it's important to monitor the child to spot any changes in their behaviour, then communicate with the child to investigate further to get a clear picture of what the issue maybe.

If you spot it, report it! The evidence shows our children won't report the abuse themselves or talk about it unprompted. Therefore it's important that you are able to spot the signs and be willing to report it.

If you don't report it, the abuser is likely to continue abusing other children; the child victim is unlikely to get the support she needs and therefore much more likely to be sexually abused again in her life time!  

Research states that if a child gets the right support within a month of being abuse, they grow up without much impact of the abuse. But, as stated above, most child victims won't talk about the abuse at all. Some end up committing suicide (I attempted suicide as a child and now I'm so grateful it wasn't successful). Usually when we hear about child abuse, it's generally when the child becomes an adult - after living with the abuse most of their lives and the masks can no longer bear the hurt and pain inside.

As a victim, it's not easy to 'Break the Silence' and ask for help especially in communities where there are unspoken agreement to remain silent. The victim is "caught between a double edge sword" - believing in the fear of speaking out and having their worse nightmare coming to fruition or remain silent and live the rest of their lives in anger, pain and torment.

Statistics show that victims are likely to:

• suffer abuse and/or violence again.  
• have children who suffers abuse and/or violence

Also an abuser is likely to reoffend the more he gets away with committing the crime.

My advice to Victims/Survivors 

My advice to victims/survivors of abuse or violence is:

"take it easy on yourself. Learn to love and look after yourself. Find a safe place in your mind to "go to" when times get hard. Build your mindset to prepare yourself for the challenges of speaking out. No matter how tough you think it will be, it's so much better than remaining silent. Until you break your silence, you're effectively trapped in your trauma. Even if you don't agree right now, all it takes is for something or someone to trigger those emotions and bring you right back in it. This could be a voice or another sound, a smell, taste, or touch. Anything could trigger you where you feel similar emotions to how the abuse made you feel at the time. This feeling can be worst than anything else you've experienced in your life (besides the actual abuse itself). So empower yourself to take control of the situation and build yourself up to being ready to ask for help." 

As a survivor, I specialise in helping women and young girls seek the support they need so feel free to drop me a message and I'll be in touch.

Where can I find help if I suspect a child is being abused?

It's best to act urgently if you suspect a child is being sexually abused, particularly if the child is displaying symptoms of fear or verbally telling you of the abuse.

You can report the abuse anonymously or in person to the:

• Police 
• Social Services 
• NSPCC (by phone 0808 1000 900 or email: help@stopitnow.org.uk) 

If you're a child who is being abused, you can get help and advice from the Childline by calling from on 0800 1111.

Let's keep the conversations going in our communities including our homes, school, work, church and clubs, etc. We'll need full community cohesion as there's much work to be done and each person is required to play their part. 

It starts with the victim Breaking the Silence, but what happens after the silence is broken? What resources are there to support the victim? How do we ensure that victims don't get blamed within their own community? 

Let's now choose not turn a blind eye anymore. Enough is Enough!!

Let's make a commitment to ourselves to stand up against CHILD ABUSE! Affirm your commitment by getting in touch and do what you can to help #StopChildSexualAbuse. Do get in touch by filling out the 'Contact Form' at the side of this blog (above) or email me here by clicking on this link.

Finally, don't forget to look after yourself so you can help to look after others too. I’d like to share my FREE '10 Top-Tips for Self-Care'. Click this link to access and download them now!

Until next time, your loving and peaceful SiStar✸

Tamar Nwafor | Mother | Wife | Survivor | Multiple Business Woman